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I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?