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“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
about to have the best blueberries of my life
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry