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Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.