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Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Omg 🤣
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.