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me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.