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When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.