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I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Still hold my high school’s record for shortest javelin toss.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
