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Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
This story is comedy gold 😂
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash