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*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
No point crayon over spilled milk.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.