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“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
My plans: 2020:
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak