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Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
The Weeknd is back
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.