You Might Also Like
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
something like this could probably happen to anyone
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.