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Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678