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After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
got so much cardio in today
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.