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[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
crying
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.