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when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
My therapist after every session
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity