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Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Bringing back this classic
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”