You Might Also Like
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Yes
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
I’m hunting wabbits…
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.