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[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
don’t we all
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.