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My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
back to work
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.