You Might Also Like
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise