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Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”