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Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.