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friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.