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Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
I like donuts.
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