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Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.
To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.