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I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.