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me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
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