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Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Those are good neighbors.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone