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Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
#NoRestForTheWicked
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
If you love someone, let them sleep.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
I put the p in pants.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Why is everyone getting married at me
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”