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No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
went fishing caught a bass
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned