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*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–
–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?
–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.
😬
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
in the ocean
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.