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Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org