You Might Also Like
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
woke up on the wrong side of the jed today
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.