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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.