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My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.