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Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
I just got an email that they closed schools tomorrow because of the impending snow storm so I told my 7yo that he if gives me $5 he doesn’t have to go to school tomorrow
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
TODAY
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel