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Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
They’re on their honeymoon
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
dril cadence
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
My birthstone is a marshmallow
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”