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Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf