You Might Also Like
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.