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[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
real
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
If only.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
yeah no that’s fair
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.