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Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Rare photo of two submarines racing
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Sure, I’ll come to your party
*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.