Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave

My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.

i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?

About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent

Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time

Sober me:

It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.

Drunk me:

A urinal! *pees in sink*

I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.

Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother

Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu

Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.

I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.

I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life

You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.

*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good

As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.

me: how much for the wireless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake

me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?

fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?

[ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-Y

What the!? A cheesy board!?

G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S

[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years

My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year

My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”

[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,

I can’t get the cork off my dinner.

I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄

Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said

My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.

Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.

(silence)

I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.

Looking for a new spicy potato chip?

-Hot Pringles in your area

I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.

It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.