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Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …