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if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*