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Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
I remember when the only divisive issue in America was whether you were team werewolf guy or team vampire guy. The rhetoric got pretty heated.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
Good morning
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Breaking news:
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Seas the day!!!!
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.