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Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class