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When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
wait a minute….
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!