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Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.
This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
(Electricians.)
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?