You Might Also Like
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.[9 Moscow Mules later]
Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence