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“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
LMAO
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”