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The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
per my last wtf
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.
I was probably sleep-wokking again.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.