You Might Also Like
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me
If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.