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You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Europe. Made in Germany.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”
Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person