You Might Also Like
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.