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2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
As per my last nervous breakdown
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Got ya covered
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying