You Might Also Like
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.