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*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it