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[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
You might just have to resign…
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.