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if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
there has never been a better use of this meme
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
me: can i get a burger ($5.99) with fries ($1.99) and a soda ($1.49)
cashier: sure that’ll be $25
me: ok
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
What even happened today?
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
I was told that I look like the kind of person that loves playing tetris and I just don’t know how to take that
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”