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My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Cool shirt 🙂
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.