You Might Also Like
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.