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Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.