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Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday