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No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
The whole “Hugs, Not Drugs” campaign was so stupid because, back when I did drugs, I can assure you, there was so much hugging going on…
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.