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My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Me when they’re trying to close the buffet
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.