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Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Leaving the Barbers like
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too