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My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
incredible google review i just found
Wait a minute
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”
And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
