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When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Looking at you, Jesus.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald’s, they’ll think you’re sharing all that food with another person.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
constantly working on myself.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”
Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”