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*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.
I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*