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Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts