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Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Peace was never an option
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.