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accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Breaking news:
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.