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Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.
*reads your timeline*
Or maybe not
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.