You Might Also Like
Why don’t bikes stand up on their own?
Because they’re two tired
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”