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I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.
I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce