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At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
The Children of the Corn were better with the Children of the Butter and the Children of the Salt.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.