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Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
😂😂😂😂😂😂
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese