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A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
This makes total sense…
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in
am i cooked
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?