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statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
You’d be amazed at the number of people that like Piña Coladas and getting caught in the rain who also have a suspended drivers license.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Thursday
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”