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I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.