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*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Taking phone security to the next level.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
car not found
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein