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I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?
17: That the public is crazy.