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these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Clients after you give them your rates
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!