You Might Also Like
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
I’ve been drinking.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Take care of yourself, ladies
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.