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Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”
😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
mmm onion ringos
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.