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guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
When you let grandma cat sit
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.