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Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
God has left this place
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
need him
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.