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Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time