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[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*