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doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
11: (squeezes my face) It’s just like squeezing SpongeBob
Me: Why?
11: (laughs)Because your face is full of holes
𝙋𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨, 𝙨𝙝𝙚’𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨
𝙃𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.