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“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: I was raised in a working-class family…
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Baked and Naked are pronounced differently despite being Americans very favorite things.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Talking to Europeans about healthcare feels like when you’re a kid and your rich friend shows you his toys.
“Wow you got the ambulance ride AND hernia surgery?? Oh. No, no, not me. I got the Uber and off-brand ice pack. Yeah they said it’s basically as good as the real thing.”
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife